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This Just In! Late Breaking News

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MrTim View Drop Down
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    Posted: 18 hours 50 minutes ago at 5:15am
 Show Dogs movie pulled from theaters over "inappropriate" dog genital groping scenes;  Film would have received an X rating if dog fellatio scenes had been left in

https://pjmedia.com/parenting/show-dogs-pulled-from-theaters-over-inappropriate-dog-genital-groping-scenes/
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 May 2018 at 6:29am
Nosey neighbors freak out about seeing a child at swingers party, call in the law;  Police investigate, find nothing wrong, chalk up complaint to neighbors upset at not being invited



https://metro.co.uk/2018/05/20/child-spotted-at-swingers-party-was-actually-just-very-short-woman-7562611/
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 May 2018 at 5:34am
Entire country of Finland outed as Fakers;  Shamefaced Finns admit they do speak Finnish, but they can't understand what each other is saying, though they still "fool foreigners really well"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 May 2018 at 5:29am
Royal Wedding movie coming out next year;  Comedy will feature Seth Rogan as Prince Harry, ten years after;  Expect lots of burps and fart jokes
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 May 2018 at 5:54am
Secrets of Botanists Revealed:  If nobody has come out and said whether or not a plant is edible,  always assume that anyone who has eaten it died as a result;  Also, just to be sure, have a grad student taste it first



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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19 May 2018 at 6:18am
Secrets of Surfers Revealed:  To repel shark attacks, surfers pour extra salt on themselves;  "Most sharks prefer a low-sodium diet, and so avoid us to go after waders and sailboarders" 
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17 May 2018 at 5:43am
High school evacuated after 'bong' scare;  Police misheard 'bomb' in panicked call about a bong seen in a car by a nosy hysterical citizen


https://www.boston.com/news/local-news/2018/05/11/holliston-high-school-bong-scare
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2018 at 5:33am
Governor calling out National Guard after jackelopes attack cars in Texas;  Pre-emptive roundup begins after biologists warn about population explosion of the "ornery critters"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2018 at 5:39am
CDC issues updated study report on zombie outbreaks;  Experts agree "Being a zombie is no way to live life"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 May 2018 at 5:47am
Denny's offering Star Wars: Solo movie meals;  Random orders to include authentic Wookie hair in the food
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 May 2018 at 6:02am
Quote An 11-year-old boy from Jiangshan City, Zhejiang Province, was trying to bring an umbrella to his family when he accidentally fell into a fast-flowing roadside drain.

Motorists who saw the boy fall in stopped their cars in the middle of the road and rushed to the rescue in the pouring rain. Sprinting down the road, they finally caught up to the boy and saved the umbrella.
 


(Not really.  LOL  Actual story here:
https://www.sunnyskyz.com/good-news/2786/People-Rescue-A-Boy-Who-Falls-Into-A-Roadside-Drain  )
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 May 2018 at 5:50am
"Break a leg!" taking on sinister connotations on Broadway;  Rival plays starting to kneecap the competition, literally in some cases;  Mob denies involvement
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 May 2018 at 5:47am
In cost cutting move, California to send it's prison inmates out-of-state;  Average annual cost to keep an inmate is $75k, but it is "actually cheaper to send them to Harvard for a year"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04 May 2018 at 5:45am
Girl scolded for "cultural appropriation" by SJWs after wearing a Chinese dress to prom;  She tells critics to "Go Die In A Fire";  Actual Chinese not offended by her wearing the dress


https://www.dailywire.com/news/30120/sorry-not-sorry-girl-who-wore-chinese-dress-says-ryan-saavedra
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 May 2018 at 5:28am
Expect salad prices to go up this summer;  Greenland's iceberg lettuce crop being threatened by global warming
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Apr 2018 at 5:40am
Study finds that most people who make typos in their posts to the internet are drunk, stoned, or tired;  A significant portion also make typos when texting while driving
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29 Apr 2018 at 5:48am
It's official, and the jokes are true:  Uranus smells like farts;  Scientists discover that planet's upper atmosphere contains hydrogen sulfide


http://mentalfloss.com/article/541376/its-official-uranus-smells-farts
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Apr 2018 at 6:04am
People in danger at famous wax museum;  Visitors having to duck under boobs of Stormy Daniels display as they walk past or risk head trauma or putting an eye out
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Apr 2018 at 5:43am
In other news, tonight was the first day of the NFL draft;  Only bookies and those who leech off players cared
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Apr 2018 at 5:17am
Man hits trifecta in animal attacks after being bitten by a bear, rattlesnake, and shark;  For his next record, he will try to win lottery and get hit by lightning while jumping Grand Canyon on a rocket-powered motorcycle

https://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2018/04/23/Man-bit-by-shark-after-surviving-bear-rattlesnake-attacks/2331524505804/?utm_source=sec&utm_campaign=sl&utm_medium=3
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 24 Apr 2018 at 5:48am
Penn State discontinues Outing Club nature hiking after deciding it's "too risky";  Main reason is that there was no cell phone service, which could also lead to students "becoming amorous" because they're bored



http://www.pennlive.com/news/2018/04/its_too_risky_for_outing_club.html?utm_source=fark&utm_medium=website&utm_content=link&ICID=ref_fark
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Apr 2018 at 6:40am
FBI statistics show that women shooting their lovers is up 50% this year;  Rise may be due to men giving them a surprise "Angry Raccoon"


(Here's a NSFW link to save you the trouble of looking it up, because we know you will, even if it's just to find out about the deal of the knocked over garbage cans...)

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Angry%20Racoon
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21 Apr 2018 at 6:16am
Botanists breed peanut plants to grow football-size peanuts;  One says "These will make for really big Snickers bars!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 20 Apr 2018 at 6:17am
White House Trivia: The Easter Bunny suit worn at the White House Easter Egg roll was modeled after Jimmy Carter's attack rabbit;  The Secret Service agent wearing the suit also carries a hidden Uzi
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote MrTim Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Apr 2018 at 5:49am
Starbucks warns employees not to use the phrase "Would you like your coffee black?" lest it be construed as racist by some demographics;  Bathrooms will also be freely open to the homeless, at least until media scrutiny has abated
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