Please help the CIH Forums by disabling AdBlock Plus on this page.
Forum Home Forum Home :: Miscellaneous :: Off-Topic
  New Posts New Posts RSS Feed - The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread
  FAQ FAQ  Forum Search   Events   Register Register  Login Login

The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 56789 19>
Author
Message
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 Apr 2009 at 4:15pm
More sayings from Confucious‏
 
Man who run in
Front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind
Car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one
Chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch butt
Should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many
Prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong:
Man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not
Determine who is right, war determine who is Left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put
Husband in doghouse soon find him in
Cathouse.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with
Wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails
To build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like
Hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in
Glass house should change clothes in
Basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in
Other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator
Smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Sponsored Links



Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Apr 2009 at 3:35am

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2009

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. 

The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change 

when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. 

She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while 

looking at the screen on her register. 

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just 

give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help.

While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she 

stood there and cried. 

Why do I tell you this? 

Because of the evolution  in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. 

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. 

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. 

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. 

His cost of production is $80. 

Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. 

His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is 

selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the 

habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. 

He does this so he can make a profit of $20. 

What do you think of this way of making a living? 

Topic for class participation after answering the question: 

How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut 

down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you 

feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. 

El costo de la produccion es $80. 

Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Apr 2009 at 10:03pm
Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at

Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.  The

letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had
sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.  An old lady received a new radio

at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.  This

story is a credit to all humankind.  

 

Dear Kean Elementary:

 

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior

citizens luncheon.  I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for
the Aged All of my family has passed away.  I am all alone now and it's

nice to know that someone is thinking of me.  God bless you for your

kindness to an old forgotten lady.  My roommate is 95 and has always

had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me

listen to hers, even when she was napping.  The other day her radio

fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces.  It was awful

and she was in tears.  She asked if she could listen to mine... and I

told her to kiss my ass.

 

Thank you for that opportunity.

 

Sincerely, Edna 
Shocked
 

Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Apr 2009 at 7:15pm
This is what happens when the IRS audits a Rabbi;

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS,
excited to begin tracking down high-powered tax evaders. Anxious for
his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment
was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the
Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day
interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when
we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and
then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question actually had a practical answer, so he thought he'd go on, in
his obnoxious way. "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What
do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the
crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box
back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of
matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard now how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from
the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is
save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them
to the IRS."

"The IRS.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Yes," replied the Rabbi, " the IRS. And about once a year, they send us
a little prick like you."
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 Apr 2009 at 10:10pm
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Apr 2009 at 10:22pm
My beautiful blonde wife and I went to a Dude Ranch in Texas.

The cowboy preparing the horses asked her if she wanted a Western or
English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.

He told her one had a horn and one didn't.

She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll
hit much traffic."
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Apr 2009 at 12:29am

The Man Rules  
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

  Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(
 I must admit, it's pretty good.) 
We always hear
 "the rules
From the female side.  

  Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. These are all numbered "1" 
ON PURPOSE!
  

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.  It's like the full moon 
Or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. 
Let us be clear on this one: 
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work! 
Just say it!

1. "Yes" and "No" are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem
 only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the 
  other one 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done. 
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 

1. Christopher Columbus did
 NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not 
A color..

Pumpkin i s also a fruit.  We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will
 be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong 
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere,

absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
Or
 golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. 
  Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that?  It's like camping. 

X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Apr 2009 at 3:51pm
C O W S   

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.   

T H E   C O N S T I T U T I O N   

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq   .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.   

T H E   1 0    C O M M A N D M E N T S   

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.
 
~~~~~~
 
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...



Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation.

+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.

+ Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies.

+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
 
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ?  
 


X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Apr 2009 at 12:53am


When  Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was  attracted to him.
During her questions  about his life,  she asked him about how he had sex.
        
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. 
 
Jane explained to him what sex  was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree!"
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but *I* will show you how to do it properly!"
       
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,  "you must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loin cloth,  stepped closer to her and proceeded to give her a swift kick in  the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an  eternity. 
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!!!"
Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel"
 
 
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Jimbo View Drop Down
Honor Roll
Honor Roll
Avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 50561
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 May 2009 at 1:48am
A man & a woman were driving in opposite directions along a two lane haighway.
 
They each had their driver's side window rolled down.
 
As they passed each other, the woman looks over at the man & yells "PIG!!!!!"
 
The man turns his head to the left & yells back "BITCH!!!!"
 
Immediately afterward he rounds a curve in the road & there smack, dab in the middle of his lane is a huge pig.
 
The man slams on his brakes, spins out of control, hits a tree & is killed instantly.
 
Men. They just never listen.
 
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Back to Top
Hootman View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Status: Offline
Points: 8151
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 May 2009 at 1:57am
Jimbo,

Did your girlfriend make you share that joke?
Back to Top
Jimbo View Drop Down
Honor Roll
Honor Roll
Avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 50561
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 May 2009 at 2:18am
Jimbo have no girlfriend.
 
Jimbo too old for that stuff anyway.
 
Jimbo happier single.
 
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2009 at 4:19pm
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Jimbo View Drop Down
Honor Roll
Honor Roll
Avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 50561
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2009 at 9:22pm
Gee, I dunno Pa..... I've heard about a lot of people experiencing that last symptom on a regular trip there, too.
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Back to Top
Jimbo View Drop Down
Honor Roll
Honor Roll
Avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 50561
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 May 2009 at 9:27pm
A Crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern, in 
the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a broad, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
 
The biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly,

"Well, make sure you wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger".
 
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 07 May 2009 at 12:59am
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11 May 2009 at 9:50pm
undone
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 May 2009 at 8:53pm
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.   It's after midnight.  While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Dallas Cowboy tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!!
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2009 at 11:16pm
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned  around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye  and said, "Listen up, Buddy  I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car,  front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked  or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've  been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love  it."

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm  a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?

Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16 May 2009 at 11:27pm
Originally posted by Skerlnik Skerlnik wrote:

Here's one that I made up when I was about six or seven:
 
Q: What snakes are installed on every car made in Transylvania?
 
A:  The Vindshield Vipers.
 
 
You apparently were one of Father Tucker's altar boys, weren't you, Skerl?Confused
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 May 2009 at 11:28am

3 Old Men at Breakfast Chatting...
 



"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man.  "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
 
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old..  "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more.   You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
 
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
 
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
 
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00.  I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
 
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
 
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
 
Exasperated,  the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at
6:30. 



So what's so bad about being 80?"
 
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Tiz View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
I donated!

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: Virginia
Status: Offline
Points: 15588
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22 Jun 2009 at 10:21pm
 
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard..
 
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
 
Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.
 
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
 
I love mustard.
 
I had no napkin.
 
I licked it off.
 
 It was not mustard.
 
No man ever put a baby down faster.
 
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
 
Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard
Poupon.''
Back to Top
PaWolf View Drop Down
Revolutionary
Revolutionary
Avatar
Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know....

Joined: 15 Apr 2008
Location: GreatWhiteNorth
Status: Offline
Points: 40828
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jun 2009 at 1:31am
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' 
 
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope.
 
 
With trembling hands and read the letter. 
 
 
Dear Dad: 
 
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. 
 
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. 
 
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad, she's pregnant. 
 
Stacy said that we will be very happy. 
 
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. 
 
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. 
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby, for cocaine and ecstasy. 
 
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.. She deserves it. 
 
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. 
 
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.. 
 
 
Love, Your Son John 
 
 
 
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. 
 
 
I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
 
 
I love you. 
 
Call me when it's safe to come home
X               <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
Back to Top
Jimbo View Drop Down
Honor Roll
Honor Roll
Avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 50561
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jun 2009 at 1:42am
OBITUARIES EBERT WALTERS
JUNE 25, 2009

DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER, FROM WYOMING THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING.  HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS, HE DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104.  EBERT LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT GREAT-
GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT DEEP HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Back to Top
Jimbo View Drop Down
Honor Roll
Honor Roll
Avatar

Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Location: Florida
Status: Offline
Points: 50561
Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Jul 2009 at 8:24pm

A monkey was sitting in his cage at the zoo.

He had two books open looking at them.
 
"What are those two books?" asked a lady. 
 
"A copy of the Bible & a copy of Darwin's Theory of Evolution." answered the man next to her.
 
"Why is he reading them?" asked the lady.
 
"He's trying to decide whether he's his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother." answered the man.
 
 
 
 
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
Back to Top
 Post Reply Post Reply Page  <1 56789 19>
  Share Topic   

Forum Jump Forum Permissions View Drop Down

Forum Software by Web Wiz Forums® version 11.04
Copyright ©2001-2015 Web Wiz Ltd.

This page was generated in 0.109 seconds.