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The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Jan 2010 at 12:48am
A Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned and
smacked the sh*t out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26 Jan 2010 at 1:19am
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other

for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time

to get married.

 

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation

regarding how their marriage might work.

 

They discussed finance, living arrangements, and so on.

 

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of

their physical relationship.

 

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

 

'I would like it infrequently.' she  replied.

 

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then

leaned over towards her and whispered.... 'Is that one word or two?'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Jan 2010 at 12:53am
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The
doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the
freeway.
You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your 
penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new
penis.
They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1,000 an 
inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many
inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your
wife.
IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be
a bit put out.
If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a 
five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays arole in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back 
the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?""Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops." Unhappy
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Two  medical students were walking along the street  when they saw an old man walking with his legs  spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking  slowly.

One student  said to his  friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry  Syndrome. Those people walk just like  that."

The other student says: "No, I  don't think so. The old man surely has  Zovitzki  Syndrome. He walks slowly and his  legs are apart, just as we learned in  class."

Since they couldn't agree they  decided to ask the old man. They approached him  and one of the students said to him, "We're  medical students and couldn't help but notice  the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the  syndrome you might have.  Could you tell us  what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell  you, but first you tell me what you two fine  medical students think."

The first  student said, "I think it's Peltry  Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought -  but you are  wrong."

The  other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki  Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought -  but you are wrong."

So  they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you  have?"

The  old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was  wrong,  too!"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jan 2010 at 3:26pm

This information is for Catholics only.

 

 

 

 

 

 


It must not be divulged to non-Catholics.

 

 


The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

 

 

 

 


AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

 

 


BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.

 

 


CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

 

 


HOLY WATER:  A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

 

 


HYMN:  A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

 

 


RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

 

 


INCENSE Holy Smoke!

 

 


JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

 

 


JONAH The original 'Jaws' story.

 

 


JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.

 

 


KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy)

 

 


MAGI The most famous trio ever to attend a baby shower.

 

 


MANGER Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.  (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

 

 


PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches..

 

 


PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

 

 


RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

 

 


RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30 Jan 2010 at 3:41pm
MY LIVING WILL
  


Last night, my adult kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are such assholes .
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"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03 Feb 2010 at 10:29pm
 Tech Support



Customer:     'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get
 through; 
                            Can you help?'
Operator:            'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer:            'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator:             ' Sir, those are the hours that we are open..'
++ +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics

Caller:          'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator:     'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller:          'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly
 states  that I   
                   Need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and   
                   Telephone Jack before
 cleaning. Now, can you give me the 
                   Number for Jack?'
Operator:       'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:         'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am 
                   Traveling in  Australia  ?'
Operator:     'Does the product name give you a clue?'

--------------------------------------------- -------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in   Europe  )
'If I register my car in   France  , and then take it to   England  , do I have to change 
  
 The steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller:  'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller:             'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland '

----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone
 box 
  Told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write   
 The number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer:             'OK.'
Tech Support:      'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer:             'No.'
Tech Support:      'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this 
                           Point?'
Customer:            'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support:      'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can 
                           You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer:            'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller:  'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it.. So, if 
  
 I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I PERSONALLY LOOOOVE THIS ONE!!!>>>

 
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should   
 Have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, 
  Which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to 
Say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing 
  The WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!): 

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' 
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words Went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:          'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I Type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. 
                        Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:           'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's Plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:        'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just 
                        one? '
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller:               'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark?'
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I  have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not?'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and   
                        packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller:                'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to 
                         the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:           'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:           'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 05 Feb 2010 at 10:36pm

Thank you for ordering "Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-Fire Pick-up Lines" brought to you by Bubba & Cooter. Enjoy!




1) Did you fart?  cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?   cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea.  I just can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?   cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?   cuz I can see myself in em.

6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

8) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 

9) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. 

AND the best for last!

10) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.
 

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A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER  THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.  THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET  READING A BOOK.  BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,  GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF  THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.

HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR  A WHILE."

BILLY SAYS:  "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I  JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."

MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT,  BILLY,  WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE  HEAD?"



BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR  KETCHUP."
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 06 Feb 2010 at 12:12am

.. ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.....

 


~ One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 13 Feb 2010 at 12:58am
If girls with big boobs work at 'Hooter's', where do girls with one leg work?
 

 

'I-Hop'

 
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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young 
mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.



 To the first mother, he said, "Mary, you are obsessed with eating. You've 
even named your daughter Candy."


 He turned to the second Mom: "Ann, your obsession is with money. Again it 
manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."


 He turned to the third Mom: "Joyce, your obsession is alcohol. This too 
shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."


 At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little 
boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what 
he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get 
dinner."
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Big%20smile Ain't it the truth!
 
Irish Virginity Test Kit
 
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, 'Well, you need three things from a 'Do-It-Yourself' shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint... And a shovel."
 
Paddy asked, 'And what do I do with these, doc?'
The Doc replied, 'Before the wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever saw", you hit her with the shovel.
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What She Wants in a Man.....
 
 
    Original  List:
 1. Handsome
 2. Charming 
 
 
3. Financially successful
 4. A caring  listener
 5. Witty
 6. In good shape
 7. Dresses with style
 8. Appreciates finer things
 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
    
 
 
    
What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  32)
 1. Nice looking
 2. Opens car doors, holds  chairs
 3. Has enough money for a nice  dinner
  
 
4. Listens more than  talks
 5. Laughs at my jokes
 6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
 7. Owns at least one tie
 8. Appreciates a  good home-cooked meal
 9. Remembers  birthdays and anniversaries
 
 
 
What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't  drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out  occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers  punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the  furniture

7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not  to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat  down
10. Shaves most  weekends



What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears  trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or  scratch in public
3. Doesn't  borrow money too often
4. Doesn't  nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many  times
6. Is in good enough shape  to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh  underwear
8. Appreciates a good  TV dinner
9. Remembers your name  on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends



What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly  when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough  shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend



What  I Want in a Man, Revised List (age  72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.



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It's good to have this vital information all in one place!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy..

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere.. .

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!" Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "shinola, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09 Mar 2010 at 3:28pm
Tiffany phones her mother.....
 
 
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
 
"Hi Tiffany, where are you?  I thought you were with your father at the hardware store...."
 
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they let me make one phone call"
 
"What happened?"
 
"Oh, I punched this  African-American woman in the head."
 
"What on earth ~ why did you do that  ?????"
 
"Well it wasn't my fault.  Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."
 
Great news guys.... With the Air Hawk, flat balls are no longer a problem!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Mar 2010 at 1:13am

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his
dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place."

  So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty
soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell
and starts designing and building improvements.  After a while they've
got air conditioning and flush toilets and the engineer is a pretty
popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a
sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

 Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air
conditioning and flush toilets and there's no telling  what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -
he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here. "

Satan says, "No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm
keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

 Satan laughs uproariously and answers,  "Yeah, right.
And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14 Mar 2010 at 11:57pm

Wine .....

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine.. and those who don't. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo ofEscherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.


However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,

Wine = Health ,

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.

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"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 15 Mar 2010 at 12:03am

My 1 day employment ...



So after landing my new job as a   
Wal-Mart greeter, 
a good find for many retirees, 
I lasted less than a day...... 
About two hours into my first day on the job 
a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman 
walked into the store with her two kids,

Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. 
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 

'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. 
Nice children you have there.. Are they twins?'
 
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 

'Hell no, they ain't  twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just
 stupid?' 
So I replied, 

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, 
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. 
Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
 
My supervisor said I probably wasn't 
cut out for this line of work
.

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"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Mar 2010 at 12:49am
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.


When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!


"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"


The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."


"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.


"No, from the f**kin' skippin"
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 18 Mar 2010 at 7:25pm
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23 Mar 2010 at 11:09pm
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived
and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the
night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,
'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said,
as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket
to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass
downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 27 Mar 2010 at 7:59pm
Dear Lord,

In the past year you have taken away my favorite actor (Patrick Swayze) my favorite pin-up (Farah Fawcett) my favorite musician (Michael Jackson) and my favorite salesperson (Billy Mays).  I just wanted you to know that my favorite legislator is Nancy Pelosi.  
 
Amen
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