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HAMBHURGER HELPER HAND vs. GEICO GECKO

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Angry McPisseron View Drop Down
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Joined: 20 Apr 2008
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    Posted: 19 May 2008 at 9:52pm
HAMBHURGER HELPER HAND vs. GEICO GECKO

This epic battle shall take place in a household kitchen. The kitchen is equipped with a double-bowl sink & garbage disposal, refrigerator, range, and numerous small TV infomercial appliances. The kitchen has a moderate infestation of ants, cockroaches, and rats.

The embattled contestants start by circling one another on the kitchen floor. Gecko tries to take first blood by scampering up the side of the cupboard and grabbing a serrated bread knife out of the knife drawer. He viciously slashes at the three-fingered Hand over and over, but every slash of the gleaming steel blade misses!! The Hand goes under the sink and pulls out a plastic garbage bag, and tries to asphyxiate the Gecko with it. Gecko chews through the bag and escapes! He skitters up the cabinet and across the counter, and grabs a Thunder Stick Pro blender. Gecko turns the Thunder Stick on, and attacks the Hand from behind! He drills the Thunder Stick's blade deep into the Hand's back, but Hand grabs a cabinet handle and pulls himself away. He grabs the knife Gecko dropped earlier, and cuts the cord off the Thunder Stick, permanently neutralizing the threat.

Now it's Hand's turn to go on the offensive. He reaches in through the open cabinet under the sink and grabs a bottle of Cascade automatic diswasher liquid. He flips the top and directs a powerful stream of the corrosive gel right at the Gecko, but only hits him in the tail, melting it off. Gecko quickly grows a new one, and hides behind the sugar bowl. Realising the Gecko is self-regenerating, Hand starts preheating the oven in preparation for Gecko's iminent immolation. While Gecko is cautiously peeking out from behind the sugar bowl, he is horrified to see Hand mixing a bowl of Hamburger Helper, and notices he took a marker and crossed out "Hamburger", then added the word "Gecko" on the front of the box. That's really bad news for our little lizard friend!!

Gecko gets behind a Showtime Rotisserie and kicks it across the counter, knocking Hand to the floor. He then grabs a bottle of Ronsonol cigerette lighter refill and sprays it toward Hand on floor, but misses Hand by just a tiny bit. Hand slips on the lighter fluid, skids right into a sticky rat trap, and becomes hopelessly stuck! Gecko then skitters down the side of the stove, flips the oven door open, then kicks Hand inside and slams the door; all while exclaiming in that fa99oty accent, "HAND HELPER... MAKES A GREAT MEAL!"

Once Hand stops struggling, Gecko grabs the bowl of Hamburger Helper off the counter, dumps it all over the burning Hand, and lets it broil for another hour and 45 minutes. Some quick acrobatics with a Swiffer Wet takes care of the mess on the floor, so nobody but you will ever know of the heroic battle that took place here this evening.

AND THE WINNER IS... The GEICO GECKO!
 

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