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MrTim
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CHAZ occupiers screaming for foreign aid, claim they are hungry; Crops failing despite rain, and activists are demanding Gatorade to drink instead of water
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MrTim
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TP hoarders now dipping into their stashes: Mestizo Ecoli declared leader of the Seattle CHAZ territory; "He was a hard runner, and nobody else even came close to the effect he had" say anonymous insiders
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MrTim
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Reality copying fiction as walled-off Seattle CHAZ turns into a parody of the iZombie TV show; "It's getting crazy in here! People are starting to eat their own brains!"
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MrTim
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Scientists confirm that climate change is back with a vengeance this spring and summer; Observations show that snow falling from clouds is melting before it can reach the ground, disproving global cooling
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MrTim
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Officials say don't ignore the warning signs, and take your pet to AA meetings immediately; Monkey goes on killing spree after running out of booze
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8435243/Alcoholic-killer-monkey-leaves-one-man-dead-250-injured-going-rampage.html? |
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MrTim
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Tips for men who frequent online dating sites: Lose the pic with your cat; Research shows that you have a better chance of getting p**** if you don't reveal you have a kitty
https://www.insidehook.com/daily_brief/sex-and-dating/women-dont-date-men-with-cats |
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MrTim
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People who tie their shoes warned to change their footware; The loops may be construed as nooses, thus displaying a secret racist code to others
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MrTim
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Attention men! You have permission to tightly cross your legs for this news story:
https://nypost.com/2020/06/24/leech-swims-up-mans-penis-drinks-pint-of-blood-before-docs-pull-it-out/? |
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MrTim
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Dixie Cups to change it's name due to perceived link to the Confederacy and slavery; Fairies now upset over the name "Pixie Cups", plan protests, boycotting
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MrTim
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Words and phrases containing "master" now on the list of triggering slavery words; For example, saying you are "m*****bating in the m***** bathroom" is now politically incorrect on so many levels and may offend someone somewhere
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MrTim
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FaceBook getting "totes serious" over Coronavirus pandemic, issues warning: "FaceBook users should place a mask over their screen to prevent the spread of Covid-19 among our online community. We are all in this together!"
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MrTim
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Is Hamilton next? The hit musical, now a movie, celebrates the American Founding so unabashedly that it could be a ripe target for cancellation
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MrTim
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Senate accidentally passes bill to stop paying dead people; Though they can no longer donate their money to PACs, most can still vote
https://dailycaller.com/2020/07/02/senate-accidentally-passes-bill-stop-paying-dead-people-rand-paul/ |
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MrTim
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Time to buy new shoes? New study says if you want longer toes, then let your toe nails grow out; Your toes can grow up to a millimeter longer trying to keep up with nail growth
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MrTim
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Land O Lake's Indian maiden to be replaced by iconic North American river mammal; New buck-toothed furry animal will be known as "Little Beaver" after winning popular vote in naming contest
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MrTim
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Grade-school kids organizing protests to reopen schools this fall; "We can't stand our parents anymore, and want to go back to school!"; Students attending colleges & universities also upset at having to pay full tuition for remote learning
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MrTim
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National Parks issue warning: "Do not approach any bears that are not wearing masks. They may have COVID-19"; Prudent visitors also avoiding other non-mask wearing animals, though some have been fooled by raccoons
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MrTim
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Do you sometimes think that particular songs or music stinks? It may be true! Neurologists say that you can actually smell sounds when certain parts of your brain get overactive
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MrTim
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Sports Illustrated to Feature First "Trans" Model In Its Swimsuit Edition; To Make It More Interesting, They Won't Tell You Who It Is!
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MrTim
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Burger King changing it's beef to taste 33% less like cow farts; BK feeding cows lemongrass to reduce bovine methane emissions, but some experts call bullsh*t
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MrTim
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Research shows that there have been three Chinese internet bots created for every person on Earth; Fortunately, most are lazy and tend to 'stalk' each other on Facebook rather than bother other websites
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MrTim
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Mickey & Minnie Mouse accused of being in blackface; BLM and Antifa protestors begin laying seige to Cinderella's castle
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MrTim
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Sales expected to skyrocket after Red Bull clears out it's "social justice warrior" employees; Two top CEOs and entire marketing teams let go in massive 'firing massacre'
https://www.revolver.news/2020/07/red-bull-fires-black-lives-matter-employees/ |
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MrTim
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Mask mandates not affecting the psychotic killer clowns running through your neighborhood at night; Most caught on camera are wearing skull teeth or bloody fangs masks over their mouths; Concerned officials say not to call 911 to deal with them, but to instead summon social workers who can help these misunderstood individuals
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MrTim
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Preview of Fall 2020 TV Season: Due to production shutdowns because of virus, expect lots of clip shows, celebrity obit specials, and more celebrities doing boring remote video interviews; Weather channels expected to have more viewers than cable news networks
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