The (NEW & IMPROVED) Joke Thread |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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More sayings from Confucious‏
Man who run in
Front of car get tired. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who run behind Car get exhausted. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man with one Chopstick go hungry. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who scratch butt Should not bite fingernails. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who eat many Prunes get good run for money. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Baseball is wrong: Man with four balls cannot walk. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* War does not Determine who is right, war determine who is Left. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Wife who put Husband in doghouse soon find him in Cathouse. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fight with Wife all day get no piece at night. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* It take many nails To build crib, but one screw to fill it. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in Basement. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Man who fish in Other man's well often catch crabs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Crowded elevator Smell different to midget. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2009 Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s: 1. Teaching Math In 1950s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Math In 1960s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Math In 1970s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit? 4. Teaching Math In 1980s A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. 5. Teaching Math In 1990s A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.) 6. Teaching Math In 2009 Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la produccion es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho? |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at
Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Dear Kean Elementary: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine... and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity. Sincerely, Edna |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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This is what happens when the IRS audits a Rabbi; |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Tiz
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My beautiful blonde wife and I went to a Dude Ranch in Texas.
The cowboy preparing the horses asked her if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was. He told her one had a horn and one didn't. She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll hit much traffic." |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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The Man Rules Finally , the guys' side of the story. Now here are the rules from the male side. 1. Men are NOT mind readers. That's what we do. Pumpkin i s also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. Expect an answer you don't want to hear. absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow. T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq .... Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore. T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: You cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment. ~~~~~~
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately: illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...
Not me. I concentrate on solutions for the problems. It's a win-win situation. + Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. + Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levies. + Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border. Any other problems you would like for me to solve today ? |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him. During her questions about his life, she asked him about how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree!"
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but *I* will show you how to do it properly!"
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here". Tarzan removed his loin cloth, stepped closer to her and proceeded to give her a swift kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!!!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel"
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 56960 |
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A man & a woman were driving in opposite directions along a two lane haighway.
They each had their driver's side window rolled down.
As they passed each other, the woman looks over at the man & yells "PIG!!!!!"
The man turns his head to the left & yells back "BITCH!!!!"
Immediately afterward he rounds a curve in the road & there smack, dab in the middle of his lane is a huge pig.
The man slams on his brakes, spins out of control, hits a tree & is killed instantly.
Men. They just never listen.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Hootman
Revolutionary Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Ohio Status: Offline Points: 8151 |
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Jimbo,
Did your girlfriend make you share that joke? |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 56960 |
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Jimbo have no girlfriend.
Jimbo too old for that stuff anyway.
Jimbo happier single.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 56960 |
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Gee, I dunno Pa..... I've heard about a lot of people experiencing that last symptom on a regular trip there, too.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 56960 |
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A Crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern, in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.
COLD BEER: $2.00 "Yes?" she inquires with a broad, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am". The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, make sure you wash your hands real good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger". |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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undone
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While enroute home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Corvette I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your Dallas Cowboy tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?' The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!! |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with? |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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3 Old Men at Breakfast Chatting... "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out." So what's so bad about being 80?" |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Tiz
Revolutionary I donated! Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: Virginia Status: Offline Points: 15588 |
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As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard..
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said. I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out. With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon.'' |
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PaWolf
Revolutionary Hoary Ol' Chestnut... doncha know.... Joined: 15 Apr 2008 Location: GreatWhiteNorth Status: Offline Points: 40769 |
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope. With trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion....Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby, for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home |
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X <sig.nature>
"What we do for ourselves dies with us, What we do for others is and remains immortal." - Albert Pike |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 56960 |
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OBITUARIES EBERT WALTERS
JUNE 25, 2009 DURING HIS CHILDHOOD, EBERT "SONNY" WALTERS WAS COUNSELED BY HIS TOUGH OLD COWBOY GRANDFATHER, FROM WYOMING THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING. HIS FAMILY SAID EBERT DID THAT RELIGIOUSLY EVERY MORNING. HE OUTLIVED HIS WIFE IONA BY 52 YEARS, HE DIED LAST THURSDAY AT AGE 104. EBERT LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRAND-CHILDREN, 25 GREAT GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15 FOOT DEEP HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE. |
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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Jimbo
Honor Roll Joined: 19 Apr 2008 Location: Florida Status: Offline Points: 56960 |
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A monkey was sitting in his cage at the zoo. He had two books open looking at them.
"What are those two books?" asked a lady.
"A copy of the Bible & a copy of Darwin's Theory of Evolution." answered the man next to her.
"Why is he reading them?" asked the lady.
"He's trying to decide whether he's his brother's keeper or his keeper's brother." answered the man.
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...the ads take aim and lay their claim to the heart and the soul of the spender
Jackson Browne - The Pretender C'mon, man! Joe Biden - 46th President of the United States |
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