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A Few Funny Jokes

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Tiz View Drop Down
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Sep 2008 at 12:31am
 This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

 After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede—100-legged bug—which came in a little white box to use for his house.

 He took the box back home, found a good location for the box and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink.  So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?'  But there was no answer from his new pet.

 This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'  But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.  So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

 He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, 'Hey, in there!  Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?

 A little voice came out of the box; 'I heard you the first time!  I'm putting on my f*cking shoes.'
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Hootman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 25 Sep 2008 at 1:10am
Tiz, one of the best I've seen in a loooongg time..thanks!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28 Sep 2008 at 1:00am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01 Oct 2008 at 7:45pm
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.

AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL,THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.

THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM & THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE ANYWAY.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
 
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER & KISSING HER ON THE NECK. THEN I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE... 
 
SHE FARTED, FLEW OUT THE WINDOW & TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!
 
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Oct 2008 at 12:04am
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02 Oct 2008 at 5:58pm
Oh sh*t!!!!....
 
That's gettin emailed!!!! LOL
 
 
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Jimbo Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 2008 at 4:31am
Watch for these consolidations in 2008.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa  

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become : PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally

9.
Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBang Bang

Mon aéroglisseur est plein d'anguilles.
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Tiz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08 Oct 2008 at 10:03pm
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

 From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'

 So the married couple walked in.

 The Jamaican said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex.'

 Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

 The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'

 The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

 Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

 As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes...something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

 In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

 The Jamaican then began screaming, 'YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!!!!
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote PaWolf Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2008 at 8:54pm

IQ Test

 

A man walked into a very high-tech restaurant in New York .

 

As he waited to be seated, he noticed that the Maitre D' was a robot.

 

The robot clicked to attention and said, 'Sir, there is a one hour wait. And I am programmed to converse

with you until a table is ready, If you please.'

 

Intrigued, the man said, 'OK.'

 

The robot clicked a couple more times and then asked, 'Sir, what is your IQ?'

 

The man answered, 'Oh, about 164.'

 

The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, Interstellar space travel, the latest medical

breakthroughs, etc . .

 

The man was most impressed. The next day he returned, But thought he would try a different tack.

 

The robot again asked, 'What is your IQ, sir?' This time the man answered, 'Oh, about 100'.

 

So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest football scores, who was going to win the Super Bowl and what to expect the Yankees or Red Sox to do this season.

 

The guy had to try it one more time. So the next day he returned.

 

Again the robot asked the question, 'What is your IQ?'

 

This time the man answered, ' Oh.....about 50.'

 

The robot clicked, clicked again, then leaned close and very slowly asked,

 

'A-r-e  y-o-u-r  p-e-o-p-l-e  g-o-I-n-g  t-o  e-l-e-c-t-  Mc-C-a-i-n????

 

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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Irishman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2008 at 9:22pm
For the Republicans in the audience, the real punchline is, 'And then the guy said, 'Stupid robot, can't even spell 'Obama'! 'LOL
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Post Options Post Options   Thanks (0) Thanks(0)   Quote Moochamoocha Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 10 Oct 2008 at 10:45pm
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the black man holding a biscuit and hot sauce.
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